


listen to our hearts

by choi_kimmy



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:30:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choi_kimmy/pseuds/choi_kimmy
Summary: In which Harvey comes face to face with his demons, whilst Donna is tired of always giving but never receiving.





	listen to our hearts

 

Donna was tired of giving, but never receiving. 

She gave and gave until she couldn’t give. It was a game she knew all too well, and it was perfectly normal for her to feel tired of her situation. To want more. To fight for herself this time, instead of for someone else.

Donna finally got what she wanted, an official position in the firm as an acknowledgement of all she had contributed. It was more than what she initially hoped for, what she wanted out of her whole confession to Harvey. She was grateful, extremely glad that finally, she was recognised for her hard work. For once, she’d have an actual say in matters relating to the firm, without people undermining her for just being Harvey’s secretary.

 For once, she was doing something for herself. She was happy.

Sitting in her own office, she felt contented.

_So why was it that deep down, her heart still felt empty?_

 

—

 

Donna was rudely awakened to the sound of poundings on her door. She half glanced at her clock beside her, and groaned at the gleaming figure of 2.36AM, a sense of absolute annoyance filled her as she forced herself out from her bed. “Coming!” She yelled, wrapping herself in her cardigan before making her way towards the door.

By the time she reached the door, she was already awake and ready to brace whatever it was that was coming her way. But when she flung her door opened, she was surprised to see Harvey Specter staring right back at her, his expression unreadable.

 

“Harvey?” Donna frowned in complete surprise, the unannounced guest brushed past her into her home without her invitation. “What the hell?”

“I need to talk to you.” He simply said, though shaking his head slightly before correcting himself; “ _We_ need to talk.”

Donna could feel another round of annoyance stirring in her stomach, but she held it in the moment she saw the look on his face; t _ensed, frustrated._ Donna reasoned that it must be really important that he simply could not wait until the next morning. So, she replied, patiently; “Okay. What is it?”

Harvey paused, finding the words he had rehearsed in his mind over and over suddenly stuck in his throat. He saw how Donna had crossed her arms, waiting for him to say something, and he saw also, the way she looked, no _judged_ him. He was reminded of the night Donna found out about him and Paula. Her eyes gave away what she had truly felt at that moment when she found out Paula wasn’t just _Paula,_ but _Dr. Paula Agard,_ his therapist. She hadn’t been angry, no, but she had given him a look that made him uncomfortable.

The look in which he now saw, once again, in her living room. He really hated it, knowing full well what it meant. “You’re doing it again.” Harvey said, his jaw clenched together tightly. 

“What?” The _look_ on Donna’s face disappeared, replacing itself with one that was confused. “Could you please elaborate on that because while I am good at reading people, I do _not_ have a goddamn idea on _what_ you’re thinking these days.”

There it was again, _that_ phrase that went hand in hand with Donna’s judgmental look he so hated. “Oh, so now _I’m_ the one that is ambiguous and difficult to read.” He raised his voice, and immediately, he saw Donna did a double take, clearly offended. 

“What the _hell_ is wrong with you?” She raised her voice to match his, not caring that she might wake her neighbours up. “It is 2.40 in the morning, I barely slept a wink and you suddenly come barging in as though it is completely permissible for you to do that, and you start sprouting nonsense, and suddenly, you’re blaming _me?”_

 

Donna’s heart was racing so fast that she had to remind herself to breathe. Her gaze never left his, though, and she was sure  her eyes were spitting fire from the look Harvey promptly returned. “I came here, hoping to have a proper conversation with you, and then you start looking at me like that—“

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Harvey,” Donna interrupted sharply, “but if you’re going to yell at me right now, then I’d appreciate it if you just leave.” She had a feeling this appearance of her former boss was not because of work, and suddenly, she didn’t feel like listening to him any more.

 

That was enough for Harvey to bite his tongue and swallow the lumps forming in his throat. He calmed himself, running a hand through his hair before speaking again. “Look, I’m not here to fight with you.”

Donna sighed, making her way to her couch. “I know that, Harvey, but you’re clearly disturbed about something that even I’m not sure of, and if you can’t tell me what it is, then this conversation is pointless.”

 

There was a pause, Harvey’s back against Donna as the latter settled herself on her couch. She waited for him to turn around, so that she could gesture for him to do the same, but Harvey remained rooted on his spot. “The look you gave me.” He finally broke the silence. “It was a look of…I don’t know, I just…hate it. Especially since it is coming from you, of all people.” 

For a second or two, Donna was still confused. She had no idea what Harvey was talking about, what _look_ he meant, until suddenly, it just hit her. Why he was even here at this inconspicuous hour, when he should clearly be elsewhere. “It’s about _Paula_ , isn’t it?”

 

Harvey frowned, not saying anything as he sat down on the couch beside Donna’s. 

“What happened?” If she could, Donna would avoid even asking this question, knowing full well how she had felt when she found out about their relationship.

“It’s over between us.” Harvey replied curtly. Donna was glad he was not looking at her, for she didn’t know if she should feel sad for her _friend_ or relieved it was over. She had hated it the moment she realised Harvey was sleeping with his therapist; it violated every principle she believed in, and at some point, made her extremely uncomfortable to even look at him. 

 

“I’m….” Donna chose her words carefully. While she had strongly opposed the idea of Harvey dating his therapist, she hadn’t so much as to oppose to him finding his happiness. In fact, she  had embraced it like a normality, like it was something she should be used to by now. “sorry to hear that, Harvey.”

“You’re sorry?” Harvey asked in disbelief, now staring at Donna. “You’re _sorry?”_

“I _am._ What’s the matter with you? _”_ Donna retorted.

“Well, I don’t know, maybe I thought you’d be the _happiest_ knowing that Paula and I didn’t work out.” Harvey’s voice was laced with bitterness, so much that Donna could feel her blood boil at his implication. 

“Are you trying to imply that I am happy you two broke up?”

“The look you gave me suggested you were never happy for us to begin with!”

“Oh my god,” Donna half scoffed, half laughed, unable to comprehend what he was saying. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

Harvey knew he was crossing the line, but he remained firm. “I said what I said.”

“Harvey!” Donna snapped, unable to contain herself any longer. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s not like that, for god’s sake.”

“What?” He challenged her. “What am I thinking?”

Donna threw her hands in the air, frustration overwhelmed her. “You think I disapprove of your relationship with Paula because of…because of _my_ own feelings.”

 

“And that’s not true?”

 

Donna jumped up from her couch. She looked as if she was going to strangle Harvey. Her heart was racing so fast, so loud, that she couldn’t even hear the sentence that came out of her mouth; “We have known each other for more than 12 years, and _this_ is what you think of me? A miserable, _desperate_ woman whose feelings are _unrequited_?” 

She was livid; her pride bruised, her heart torn into pieces.

“Donna, do not put words into my mouth!” Harvey leaped up as well, his tone loud. 

“It’s ridiculous how _conceited_ you are, Harvey!” Donna jabbed her finger in the air at his direction. “I disliked you and Paula together because of the fact that she was your _therapist_ , not because I still harbour some romantic feelings for you that you think I can’t seem to forget!”

 

“WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?” Harvey began to yell. “I’M NOT A FUCKING MINDREADER!”

“IT DOESN’T TAKE A MINDREADER TO KNOW IT IS _WRONG_ TO DATE YOUR FUCKING THERAPIST!” Donna yelled back.

“THAT ISN’T THE ONLY REASON WHY AND YOU KNOW IT, DONNA. JUST ADMIT IT!” Harvey didn’t back down.

“I WAS HURT, ALL RIGHT?”  Donna responded with a scream, tears now welling in her eyes. “ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?!”

 

Both of them were still looking at each other, both burning with rage. Donna could see that Harvey was controlling his anger, which was why he was suddenly quiet. That was enough to fuel her rage even further, though she repressed her anger by clenching her fists. _Enough was enough_ , she decided.

 

“I felt _played_ , Harvey.” She snapped, blood rushing into her head.

This time, Harvey was startled, somewhat confused. _“What?”_

 

“When you told me you loved me but couldn’t explain _how_. When I told you I wanted more, but you did what you always do best. You _ran_ away.” A lump lodged itself onto Donna’s throat. She felt nauseous, admitting this out loud to Harvey, but she willed herself to continue. “Am I that _replaceable_ to you? Is the love word so meaningless, that the moment I said I wanted more, you _ran_ to Paula instead?”

 

“Donna, I…” Harvey’s sentence hung in midair, he didn’t know what to say.

“Do you want to know why I am angry that it is your therapist of all people? It’s because I _met_ her, Harvey. I _spoke_ to her before.” Donna said exasperatedly, while Harvey’s eyes widened in pure surprise. “And I felt betrayed, my feelings played, because of what I said to her. What I believed her to be. I _trusted_ her, Harvey. She validated what I felt then, without judging me. She was supposed to be on _my_ side.” 

If Harvey was curious on the exchange between Donna and Paula, he didn’t give it away. 

“So yes, Harvey. You were _right_. It _was_ because of my feelings, but it _wasn’t_ in a way you expect it to be.” Donna closed her eyes, somewhat relieved that everything is finally out of her system. It felt good, in a way, since she has kept it inside for far too long. But on the other hand, she was beginning to dread what was coming next. Her heart was still pounding loudly, and it didn’t help that Harvey was still silent.

“I just thought…you would at least give yourself a chance. But you didn’t.” Donna’s voice was now in a whisper, but she was sure he heard her.

“Donna,” It was a few seconds later that Harvey spoke again. “Do you even know why I was attracted to Paula in the first place?”

Donna couldn’t help but to chuckle silently to herself. She couldn’t believe he was _actually_ asking her that. “Harvey,” She mimic the way he had called her. “Why do you suppose I would even care about that?”

“It was because she _reminded_ me of you.”

Donna snapped her head up to look at him, caught in pure surprise at that. “ _Excuse_ me?”

“Paula was the closest woman to you without being you, Donna, I—”

She held a hand up in a sharp motion, effectively cutting Harvey’s sentence midair, “Are you trying to say, that you dated that woman, because she reminded you of _me_?

“I know it was fucking selfish of me to do that but I just…you know how I feel about this.”

“As a matter of fact, Harvey, I don’t.” Donna hissed, suddenly angry again. “Please enlighten me, because at this moment, all I can think of is how fucking _ridiculous_ this is and you’re a fucking coward for not wanting to risk anything. After all I just told you? This is what you have to say in return? Paula is _like_ me but _not_ me so to you that’s a fucking win-win situation? Did you honestly think this excuse is going to validate the fact that you dated your therapist? That I’d automatically be _touched_ you look for me in another woman? GUESS WHAT, HARVEY? IT DOES NOT—“

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, GODDAMN IT.” Harvey yelled again, trembling with both anger and frustration. He watched how Donna’s hands went limp, how she was staring at him with her eyes opened widely. Her expression was replaced from anger to that of disbelief and shock, and he found himself scoffing. “Only that, I can’t tell you that before this, because you _know_ how I feel about people leaving. And the last thing I would want, the last thing I could ever imagine, is you leaving me for _real,_ not just a few offices away, because of what I said.”

Donna was too shock to speak, so he continued. “Paula filled that void in me temporarily, the void that has always been there. I didn’t even realise I was using her to fill that void. I thought I genuinely liked her, but then I came to realise that this could only be temporary. Paula will always be Paula, and you will always be you. Don’t you get it, Donna?” 

Harvey took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving hers. “Paula leaving would hurt me, but you,” He lowered his voice, suddenly tired. “you leaving would _kill_ me.”

In lieu to that came a period of long silence. 

Donna was still looking at Harvey, shell shocked, her mouth slightly ajar. In all of the situation she has ever gotten into, Donna would have been able to string a witty reply from her mouth. She always knew what to say, always had a reply to everything no matter what. But at this moment, in true honesty, her mind was blank.

“Please…please say something.” She could hear the edge in his voice, the pleading. She blinked, once, twice, wondering if this was all but a dream. It has to be, right? Harvey couldn’t have shown up in the middle of the night just to tell her that, right?

It wasn’t a dream.

“I…don’t know what to say.” She finally breathed out, her voice as soft as his. Donna remembered at once, the panic attacks Harvey have had that led to him having to find a therapist. It didn’t take two to connect the dots; it all began because of _her._ There was a surge of mixed emotions in her stomach now, a string of jumbled thoughts in her mind. It felt nearly impossible to say anything coherent, which was rather ironic given how she was yelling non-stop into his face a minute ago.

“I _love_ you, Donna. I always have.” Harvey continued. “You were right about me being a coward. I could never risk anything with you because I’m just that. You were also right about me being selfish. I used Paula when I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t stop myself. I acknowledge all of that. And I’m sorry.”

“Oh, _Harvey_.” Donna was sighing now. Hearing Harvey’s confession was one thing, hearing him admitting to his flaws was another thing; once upon a time, it was all that she wanted to hear, but years after years, she had subconsciously built a wall around her heart. She didn’t want to openly acknowledge what she felt for him, and there were times Harvey had cracked the wall she had built without him even realising, jeopardising years of protecting her feelings and her principles. When that happened, she naturally pushed him away. “I’ve always wanted you to be happy, you must know that at least, right?”

Harvey nodded silently.

“Me pushing you away first. The rule about not dating coworkers. They weren’t the wisest decisions I’ve ever made, but they were for the best then. It’s just, I didn’t expect this would stretch on for more than a decade. I wasn’t pining for you, Harvey, don’t think of it that way. I just never wanted to admit how I feel about you because I was so sure it wasn’t going to change anything.” Donna said as slowly as she could, afraid she may hurt him. But Harvey merely stared on, his expression gave nothing away. He was listening, really listening this time, and Donna felt the push she needed to continue, “At that time, I was honestly satisfied with where and what we were. Scottie or Zoe, it didn’t matter who it was to me as long as you were happy.” She began to fidget with her fingers, suddenly nervous. “But ever since Mitchell asked me to move in with him…I don’t know, honestly. It just _didn’t_ feel right. Suddenly everything became unfamiliar and…I was unsure of my feelings for him. So, I let him go.”

 

Donna could feel her voice trembling, knees going weak that she just had to sit down again. She braved herself to continue.

“I never got the chance to really sort out of my feelings, you know? The firm, Mike, Louis. I kept my feelings locked up because I didn’t want to be hurt, and they weren’t the most important thing in my life at that moment anyway. I had a lot of things to do, a lot of people to care for. I was never my own priority. And then Benjamin came, with The Donna…and…” She stopped, remembering what had happened. It still hurts, till this day.

“You realised you wanted more.” Harvey finished her sentence for her, and she merely nodded.

“For the first time, I decided to prioritise myself before anything or anyone else. It was the first time I sat down and started thinking of…well, everything.” Donna was beginning to feel tired, fatigue finally drawing itself onto her body.  “It struck me then to listen to my heart instead of my mind. To really come clean with all the feelings I have long kept inside of me.”

Harvey knew what was coming next, and it pained him to have to hear her say it into his face.

“But suddenly, you were with Paula. The timing, right when I was actually ready for something more. Right when I realised that I was _ready_ to accept you, right when I realised I am _in love_ with you—“

Donna’s vision was blurring. She didn’t want to look away but dare not blink, the tears forming in her eyes until they naturally began to trickle down her cheeks. It didn’t take long for her to feel a pair of strong arms around her, didn’t take long for her to realise that it was okay; it was okay to not fight back, to not pry those arms around her, to not push him away. They were in that position for the longest of time before either of them broke the silence.

“There you have it. After such a long time, I finally said it.” Donna said softly. She didn’t want to sob out loud, so she bit her lower lip to suppress the sound. 

“I’ve missed you so much.” Harvey mumbled, tightening his arms around her gently. “And I’m truly sorry for everything.”

Her heart still hurts for some reason, but Donna reckoned it wasn’t the same bitter feeling she had felt over the years. So, for the first time, she allowed herself to just relax. To wrap her arms around the man beside her, and not care about what would happen next. For now, living in the moment was far more important than worrying about a future that may never come.

 

—

 

Donna didn’t know when she eventually fell asleep, or how she had slept soundly on the couch with Harvey huddled closely beside her. What she did know, was that her alarm had gone off  loudly precisely at 7AM, both waking up with a jerk of a motion and knocking both their heads together.

“ _Jesus Christ,_ ” She heard Harvey mutter as he rubbed his forehead and then his eyes. He seemed just as dazed and confused as she was, but unlike her, Donna was already scrambling into her room to switch her alarm off. When she finally did, it was then that she remembered what had happened few hours ago, and suddenly, she felt a sharp headache on the base of her head, her voice hoarse.

“Oh god.” Donna groaned into her hands, sitting on her bed when Harvey walked into her room. He looked much more awake than she was, that was for sure. She groaned even louder. “Did last night actually happened or was it just a figment of my imagination?”

 

Harvey gave a low chuckle. “If it was the latter, would I be here?”

“Oh god, we really argued in the middle of the night for hours, didn’t we?” 

“You know, there is one way to find out. Knock on your neighbour’s door and greet them a very good morning.” 

Donna laughed softly at that, though it ended as quickly as it started. She could barely gather enough energy to give Harvey a clever response. “I’m so tired.”

“Donna, do you want to just go to bed?” Harvey asked, slightly worried at how drained she looked. Donna’s eyes fluttered open at that suggestion, a frown on her face as Harvey quickly shook his head, “No, _not_ like that. I didn’t mean that. Just, to sleep. I could leave, you know, if you want me to—”

It was her turn to shake her head quickly. “No, you’re equally as tired. Just…sleep here.” Donna pointed at the other side of her bed. It suddenly occurred to her that the last time Harvey had been in her bedroom and shared a bed with her was during _the other time,_ and she found herself at a lost of words. 

Harvey hesitated for a few seconds, though he eventually gave in to fatigue. “I’ll just give a call to Louis and tell him to handle the firm today. You should sleep first, go on.”

He was out of her room before she could say anything.

 

—

 

She was fighting the urge to just fall asleep. Donna kept her eyes wide opened, though they were stinging with exhaustion. She knew if she closed her eyes, she’d just fall straight into slumber, and she didn’t want that to happen before he came back in. 

Donna could hear Harvey on the phone outside, his words curt and firm as he tried to explain to Louis why both of them couldn’t be in the firm today. It was a difficult task, given how limited Harvey could tell Louis, and how much he had to be careful not to send the latter spiralling into Donna’s apartment in a swift second.

“It’s complicated.” Harvey repeated patiently, though he wished he could mentally strangle Louis for asking so many questions. “No, she’s fine.” Pause. “No! We’re not—look, Louis, it’s not a big deal. We’ll be back tomorrow.” He ended the call, too tired to argue, and threw his phone onto the living room couch. Sighing, he gingerly retraced his steps back into Donna’s room, his footsteps quiet and careful, less he’ll wake her up.

 

“I take it he isn’t too happy about us skipping work today?” Donna asked the second Harvey stepped into the room, the latter pausing for a moment before making his way around the bed. “It’s Loius. I wouldn’t expect any lesser from him.” He smiled slightly, then hesitated again at his side of the bed. “Donna, are you sure?”

“Just get in.” She replied so softly that he almost missed it. Her back was against him, so Harvey couldn’t tell what her expression was. Nevertheless, he sat down, the bed dipped slightly under his weight. 

 

Silence, once again. Both laid on their side of the bed, Donna’s back still against him. Both exhausted, but still wide awake, remembering the confrontation they had just few hours before. Harvey stared at the ceiling, wondering if it was the right move to show up unannounced, wondering if it would change anything between them, wondering if Donna could finally feel his love for her.

He was still wondering, his eyes on her, lost in his own thoughts when he felt a touch on his arm. Harvey blinked, and saw that Donna was now looking at him. Both of them gazed at each other for a few more seconds, before she snuggled closer to him. By instinct, Harvey encircled his arm around her waist as she leaned into the curve of his body, head now touching his chest.

 

Neither of them said anything; no words were needed after all.

 

—

 

When Donna woke up, hours later, she was overwhelmed with a sense of dread upon realising that she was alone in bed once again. 

She tried to calm herself down, tried breathing in and out slowly, but it was too difficult to do it as her eyes remained on the empty side of her bed. Donna was struck with dejavu, a reminder of what had happened similarly in the past that left her heart no longer the same. She shifted in her bed, pulling her duvet closer to her body and clinging onto it for dear life. 

Donna hated feeling like this, her emotions a turmoil in her stomach and suddenly she could feel her eyes watered in fear. She tried to call out his name, or say anything, but her throat was too dry and her voice could not come out.

 

_No, do not cry, do not—_

 

Then something hit her that knocked her out of her trance; the smell of bacon wafting through the air. 

She furrowed her eyebrows, confused, and then she heard it; the sound of pots and pans, kitchen cutleries being used, the sound of the water running, the sound of _someone in her house._

Donna threw her duvet aside and leaped out of her bed, her heart pounding irrationally, her mind clouded with millions of thoughts and she was suddenly afraid. What if it was all in her head? What if this isn’t real, what if—

Her eyes landed on Harvey, still in the same set of clothes he had wore when he showed up at her house. He was casually frying something on the pan, one hand in his pocket.

Donna was stunned, her movements halted.

Then Harvey turned around, having heard her footsteps, his gaze now on her. A long pause filling the air once again.

“Hi.” He greeted her softly, eventually.

“Hi.” She replied in the same tune, and hesitated to take a step forward. 

Donna gave him a small smile, her hands clasped tightly together. “I thought…I thought you left.” 

She saw the way he was looking at her, saw the same smile on his face, serene and genuine, and her heartbeat began to slow down, steadying itself before she could really digest what was going on.

Harvey moved towards her, stopping just a step away. He reached out for her hands, holding them gently. “No,”  He finally muttered under his breath. “I think we’ve done enough of that.”

 

—

 

_(fin)_

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because of a headcanon Lamia posted, and it immediately drew some inspirations in my dead muse. It takes place after the mess in Season 7, which I hope they'd address properly, so for now, this will have to do for our poor hearts. I apologise for any mistakes, and I hope you enjoyed reading it! Stay strong, Darvey fambam!


End file.
